Monty Python could not have come up with anything as funny as this video showing how India and Pakistan close their border every evening.
Complete with soldiers from the Ministry of Silly Walks, this video is just too funny.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Mr Bean at the Olympics
If you missed the opening ceremony for the 2012 Olympic Games, then the best part was when Mr Bean joined the London Symphony Orchestra to play Chariots of Fire.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Ultimate Ethnic Joke
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Estate Planning
When a young man found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "But in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "But in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
Lost Wife
A man approaches a younger woman inside the mall. "Excuse me," he said, "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the man, said, "Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere."?
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the man, said, "Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere."?
A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
Useful Descriptions
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.
Afternoon Quickie
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company,"
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company,"
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
The Perfect Guy
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking: "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf".
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking: "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf".
Dogs vs Cats
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
6:00 pm - Oooh, Bath. Bummer.
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash
or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order keep up my
strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards..
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due
to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it
to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now................
Rodeo Position
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'.
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'.
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
Good Mates
A couple of good mates - a Kiwi and an Aussie - were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Kiwi said to the Aussie "If I was to sneak over to your place and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "I don't know about being related ..... But it would make us even."
After a while the Kiwi said to the Aussie "If I was to sneak over to your place and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "I don't know about being related ..... But it would make us even."
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Decision
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's some-thing you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's some-thing you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
Real Groaners
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Best Store Website
Just give the home page for the Dutch company HEMA a few seconds after it has loaded.
Who cares if you can't read Dutch!
Kiwi Humor
This Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by an Inspector from the Ministry of Agriculture & Fisheries (MAF).
He says to the Maori fella "Hey, it looks like you caught a couple of undersize crayfish".
The Maori fella says "Nah Bro' these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach every day for a swim and when I whistle, they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."
The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says "you should know it's illegal to catch undersized crayfish and he starts writing out a ticket for a fine".
Then the Maori fella says "Nah Bro' they are pets, you just watch this" and he chucks the crayfish into the surf.
The MAF officer then says "OK, lets see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you then."
The Maori fella says "What crayfish?"
He says to the Maori fella "Hey, it looks like you caught a couple of undersize crayfish".
The Maori fella says "Nah Bro' these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach every day for a swim and when I whistle, they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."
The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says "you should know it's illegal to catch undersized crayfish and he starts writing out a ticket for a fine".
Then the Maori fella says "Nah Bro' they are pets, you just watch this" and he chucks the crayfish into the surf.
The MAF officer then says "OK, lets see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you then."
The Maori fella says "What crayfish?"
The Godfather
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "
He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
When Insults Had Class
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wildera
-- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wildera
New Words
"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, dear?"
"Pussy and Bitch."
Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
"Thanks, Mom.."
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."
Stutter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
An Irish Ghost Story
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
Silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and...he wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look Paddy...there's that fuckin idiot that got in the car while we were 'pushin it!"
Silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and...he wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look Paddy...there's that fuckin idiot that got in the car while we were 'pushin it!"
On Marriage
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"...
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him..
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished !
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your
sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"...
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him..
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished !
_________
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
________
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and
by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
________
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and
by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your
sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
Flavors
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, " will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'"
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!".
Think Fast
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
College Cowboy
A young cowboy from Melville , Saskatchewan goes off to college..
Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Regina that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Regina that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
A Real Man
A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Never mind.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Never mind.
The New Doctor
I went to my doctor's office the other day, only to find out my old doctor had retired, and his replacement was a new, young, female, drop-dead gorgeous blue-eyed blonde!
I guess she could tell, I was a little nervous, and perhaps appeared slightly embarrassed, so she said:
"Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
So I said: "I think my penis tastes funny...".
I guess she could tell, I was a little nervous, and perhaps appeared slightly embarrassed, so she said:
"Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
So I said: "I think my penis tastes funny...".
What a Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
New Car Announcement
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
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Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
Paraprosdokian Phrases
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are tens of billions stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are tens of billions stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
An Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Four Words...
Thanks to all who responded to my request for 4 words you would say to me if you woke up and found yourself in jail with me.
Here are your answers:
- Gotta plan an escape.
- You're bailing us out!
- Good Job, Joe Pesci.
- Do not bend over...
- What did you do?!
- What the F&*% Dude?
- OMFG
- Wake up you're next.
- What the fuck happened?
- What did we do?
- What did YOU do?
- Have you waited long?
- Good morning to you
- Glen... WTF?
- Same time next week?
- Beam me up Scottie
- Anything for free accommodation
and my favorite:
- Oh no ... you again?
Thanks everyone who played along.
Diving in Newfoundland
An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfoundlander replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin boat"
To which the Newfoundlander replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin boat"
Donations
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thought for a minute and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh. no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," said the lawyer, "did it show that my brother is a disabled veteran, he is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer an apology but was cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
Then lawyer said, "So. if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thought for a minute and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh. no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," said the lawyer, "did it show that my brother is a disabled veteran, he is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer an apology but was cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
Then lawyer said, "So. if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Aussie Splits
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.
Bruce came running in. Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.
Bruce came running in. Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'.
Grandfather
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on the weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time – just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she’d take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.
“Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn’t see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”
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